there used to be a time when I would be the first person you would text. I know what you're doing, you have done this hundreds of times but I am not stupid. I guess I am inconsequential in your life now. Not even in your thoughts and prayers, literally. I am trying to talk to you, I am trying to get back in your life, making the efforts as you would say but you have shut me down just like you did every time I've tried since I moved. 

I couldn't even get to say 'enjoy your trip' on the phone today without bursting into tears. I am so jealous and insecure about your new friends. You asked me in the morning why does It matter when I asked about them. Because I fucking love you? Is that so hard to comprehend???  Do I even matter to you anymore? Does it make you happy knowing that I am in pain and suffering while you haven chosen to move on?

Take a moment to think about the things we said to one another, did you not mean any of it? I know I keep coming back to it but why did we say those fucking things over and over if we didn't mean it. Have you lost your mind moving on??? I love you and I want to be with you. I keep whining but is it of any good? Nothing I say or do will help unless you want us to be together. If there is please let me know. Please. I am willing to do anything. Literally. We don't have anyone else to help mend our relationship, it is upon us to do this. We need to take control. But ultimately it will always be up to you to see if we end up together or not.

I love you, please stop playing games. Please. I am trying. I am willing to do anything. It sounds like I am begging. should I be doing that? 

Why am I even writing this? Will I ever show you this?